ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
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People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
No laws when master is gone
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.