Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
You Might Also Like
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
my first day as a raccoon
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.