I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
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Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
#SuperBowl
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!