Where is your GOD now????
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My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
*jingles half the way*
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.