WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
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I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.