Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
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911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”