Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
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Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
dream blunt rotation
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
pep talk