Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
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I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”