me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
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How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.