Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Why is everyone getting married at me
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Pat is about to own someone
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?