*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
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I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Bill is short for Billiam
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.