Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
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Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*