Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
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When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Tastes like chicken.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?