“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
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Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.