(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
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If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.