Rambo Rambow
You Might Also Like
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?