For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
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I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
sliding into dms like
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer