Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
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Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Best seat on the street 😍
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)