“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
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Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
[eulogy]
line?
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?