i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
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Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
you know what ruined my childhood? children
2022: I can fix it
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
sugar glider wrangler
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”