The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
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Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.