Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
You Might Also Like
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other