My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
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Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
concern
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏