*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
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Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
“Huge”.