caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
You Might Also Like
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.