ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
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*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I occasionally drink every single night.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.