*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
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Whoa 😂
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Florida man
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Guilty! 🤪
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.