Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
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On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Sooo many times…..
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?