I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
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Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I laughed at this way too hard.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME