My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
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her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Left at a local drug store…
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕