Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
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The most important meal of the day is the next one
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.