”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
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Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
time machine? you mean a clock?
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own