All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
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Somebody needs to get my shit together.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.