[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
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We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw