‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
You Might Also Like
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
What’s so funny?
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
i choose….tongue
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”