Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
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god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
🤣✨#caturday
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
do what now??
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.