On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
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Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.