Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
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Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.