cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
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Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
couldn’t resist
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*