“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
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Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream