Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
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Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Autocorrect is my menesis
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm