A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
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[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My dog learned how to text
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.