if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
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Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
🍞🦆
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips