My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
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I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit