in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
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I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
They’re stuck in your pants?
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.