If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
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A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Where’s my employee discount too?
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Hell yeah 👍
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive