Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
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Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Ovenable?
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.