If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
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men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah