I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
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55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Catering service
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!