boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 馃槈
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 馃檨
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Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I鈥檓 serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
The closest thing I鈥檝e had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
NASA: we鈥檙e sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You鈥檙e a long movie preview. I鈥檝e been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
The chickens in my neighbor鈥檚 coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I鈥檝e done.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
? 馃拃
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling